You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp