Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'