What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!