Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
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Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Here’s my number. Send me a text when you’re ready to fall in love with me.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
I’m feelin’ green.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.