What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.