Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
I'd drink your bathwater.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”