"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
"I don't tan. I burn"
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!