My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.