You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I have a heart-on for you.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."