I'd love to see you s'more.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
All farts...are laughing gas.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.