“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
"Eggs love you."
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
Books are my kind of texts.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
"I mead more wine."
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?