“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
Seed between the lines.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."