What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.

You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”

― Tamora Pierc

Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!

How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.

You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.

I would love to show you first class.

“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.

You’re my soul Santa.

I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.

The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno

They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.

My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.

What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"

Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.

People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

- Phyllis Diller.

What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”

What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!

A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.

What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!

What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!

Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.

When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.

I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?