Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.