What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!

What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!

Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo

Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.

“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

You had me at cello.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer

What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.

I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.

My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.

Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.

A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."

An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control

The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

“Every mile is two in winter.”

What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.

"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."

– Lazar Angelov

“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”

How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!

Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.

Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.

What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.

Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!

Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.