If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
"Time wounds all heels."
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out