How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!