Do you squat here often?
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I don't know what gate I'm boarding at, but I hope it's close to yours.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”