“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
I’ll never fir-get.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It's ice to meet you.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.