I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Feeling fintastic.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
You're quite the catch, baby.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
We’re in a-green-ment.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.