How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
Fir sure.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
I’m fondue you.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.