A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
Don't get tide down.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I love your energy.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Ants in your plants.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.