What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!

"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.

What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.

Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.

[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.

The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.

Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."

I said, "No, he only has two."

I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!

What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian

Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.

What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.

Shake your shamrocks.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.

Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.

What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly

Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.

Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.

We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.

Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.

I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.

Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.

Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.

You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”

What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.

You’re so pharma-cute-ical!

A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".

You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).

Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.

What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.

If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.