How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.