Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
"Bone to be wild."
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.