Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.