At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

I find bone puns very
Humerus.

You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.

What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.

Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!

What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.

“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”

- Wesley Bates.

I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili

What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.

It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.

Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]

The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.

Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.

Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.

Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.

A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”

Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.

I am looking for a leash-free relationship.

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.

Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.

Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown

The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner

Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.

What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!

Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”

If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?

I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.

Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.

Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?