"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
You're hotter than a data center!
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
I'm acorn-y person.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!