Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
We’re mint to be.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Let's cross the international dateline together.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Are you a red light because stop.
I now believe in Angels.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.