What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
It's cold and rainy on Halloween
Where monsters and goblins are always seen
They're at my door asking for sweets
But they don't want tricks only treats
I could close my door but that would be mean.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!