There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.