When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.