Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.

Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.

I only have ice for you!

I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.

How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!

You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest

Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.

Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.

What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!

Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

You are my raisin to smile.

Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?

Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.

There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.

What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.

I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.

I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.

What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.

Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono

“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”

On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!

I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan

What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!

My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Take off all your cloves.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.

Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.

Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you