I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.