Life is brew-tiful!
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Can you drive my car?
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
You mermaid to go far.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!