A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
It’s snow joke.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.