How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Writers have great climaxes.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?