Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
You should see what I can do with ice.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I call the shots.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.