Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Whatever coats your boat.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Here comes the sun of my life
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
when I’m with you.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.