"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.