how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.