The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
He threw three free throws.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Up to snow good.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
Sips getting real.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I’m rooting for you!