My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
Your love will always be up to par.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.