How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Make it rein.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.