How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I could never Passover you.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!