I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
How about we get down to monkey business?
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright