At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.