All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
To get to the other tide.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.