The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Long thyme no see.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Time to celery-brate.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.