Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.