I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Belize let me hold you.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
Where do deer get all of their coffee?
Star-bucks!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.