I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
You’re under arrest for not giving me your number.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
Whale, hello there.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
"Bone to be wild."
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee