My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Keep calm and carrot on.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
Want to see the real coming attraction?
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.