I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Make it rein.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I'd love to see you s'more.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”