Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
You are the square to my root.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.