What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
I want you. I knead you.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!