My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I’m soy
into you.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!