How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
We should make like your parents and split.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
You're one in a melon.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.