Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Your good weed for the day.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Car puns are really tiring
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
I love you from my head tomato
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I think we're mint to be!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’