People are always after me lucky charms.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.