You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.

Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.

What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.

What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.

What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.

Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.

“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”

Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.

Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.

Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!

Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.

I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.

Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?

A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!

"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard

Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.

"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?

You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!

Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.

Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!

Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

With a calendar, your days are numbered.

I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.

What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.

“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”

- Anna Quindlen

How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!

My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.