What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Your mausoleum or mine?
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.