Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt