“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope

Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.

Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

This vacation has been sand-sational!

What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

"Say you'll be wine."

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.

What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.

Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.

Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.

Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...

Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.

Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.

What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.

“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”

Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.

Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.

"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."

- Amy Schumer

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Nothing really mattress.

What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.

Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.

What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.

“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.

When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.

“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon

Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.

Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.

What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.

I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.

"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown

What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.

"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long