You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
All punts are highly intended
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Love at frost sight!
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
I like you sow much.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.