The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
I like you cherry much.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.