Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.

You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.

What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).

How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.

Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.

How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.

The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.

Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.

"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.

Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!

I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it

What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!

What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.

What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.

Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.

Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.

“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester

What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee

Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!

Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.

What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.

We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Mirra.

Mirra who?

Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin

What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match

It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.

A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.

Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.

What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!

What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David