Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
That look soots you.
Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
“The road to success is always under construction.”
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.