It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Nice life preservers.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).