So, is it my dugout or yours?
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Your name is insert name here?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!