What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
We've reached the point of snow return.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."