“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
French people give me the crepes.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
God was just showing off when he made you.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
"Great minds drink alike."
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.