Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
Let me plant one on ya!