Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
This summer is going swimmingly.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel