Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.