I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How was heaven when you left it?
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Your treat or mine?
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!