What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
"Dying to have fun."
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Birch, please.