Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I wanna bob for your apples.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.