Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Feeling my shelf.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.