Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side