I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word."
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.