"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
How about you and I form a binary system?
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.