I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Let's boomerbang!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Take off all your cloves.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.