Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
One more thyme.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
You seem a little mer-mad.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Beach, please.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
One should always practice what they peach.