What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.