Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
You're so clover!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Nice asteroids.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
I love you dairy much.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.