What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Distill my beating heart.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Cutest clover in the patch.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
You're quite the catch, baby.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem