Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!