I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
I'm pine-ing for you.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
The lobster is one shell of an animal.