What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
The calm before the score
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.