I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.