What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
To get to the other tide.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.