I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.

Summer's over; it's time to chill.

What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.

Bad spelling makes me sic.

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.

I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.

Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.

You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.

What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later

Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”

As the local drunk, I'm quite worried about the corona virus.
It's got potential tequila lot of people.

The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.

Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.

Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.

If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.

Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.

Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.

Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.

I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.

What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”

…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”

What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.

Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.

I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.

What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!

Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!