I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.

I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.

“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”

“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.

What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.

So … do you run here often?

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​” — Homer Simpson

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

They figured it was the best way to break the ice.

Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).

I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.

Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!

I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.

“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”

The square root of all my fantasies is you.

“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

"Another glass? Wine not?!"

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!

I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.

Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!

What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.

This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.

During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.

Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken

Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic

Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.

How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

- Phyllis Diller.

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.

In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.

What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.