On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
We’re mint to be.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!