Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.