“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
I need to take this picture for my instayam
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
Don’t be elfish.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”