Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Eddie edited it.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
We make a great pear
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.