Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Snow on and snow forth.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.