Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
One trick peony.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Fresh French fried fly fritters
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!