What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
I think you're mer-mazing.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Deja brew all over again.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard