To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.

What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor

I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.

Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.

Which car do sheep drive?

Su-baa-ru.

Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.

Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.

What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!

How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!

Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.

What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.

Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.

You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.

What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.

What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s pop corn?

“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown

"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.

Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!

What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie

If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.

The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.

My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.

I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.

Drink happy thoughts.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.

How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.

Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.

It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.