What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Hold on for deer life.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Your good seed for the day.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.