Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Say it ain’t snow.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.