If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
I'm tired of this old broom. Got anything else I can ride?
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!