On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
I think therefore I yam.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
You're one in a melon.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.