“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
Want to lock our bikes together?
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Your pace or mine?
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.