You snooze. You booze.
You snow the drill.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Get in the swim this summer.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
I have no shelf control.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.