Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Icy what you did there!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.