“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.