“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.

What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.

What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.

What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.

Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.

“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard

The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”

Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here

"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti

How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.

Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.

Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.

What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

- James Baldwin.

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!

What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!

What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!

When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.

Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.

“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”

If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?

What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!

I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."

How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.

Are you a barista? I like you a latte

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine