In Ireland, I call the shots.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.