A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
You can stand under my umbrella.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.