What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What did the beaver say to his girlfriend?
Chew make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
“You’re my soul Santa.”
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Say it ain’t snow.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.