On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith

Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.

When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.

“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.

What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.

What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun

You are spud-tacular.

I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.

Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.

Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker

Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.

“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.

What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.

Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.

Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?

I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.

Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.

What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.

My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.

I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.

Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!

Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.

Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us

I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown

How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!

How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.

If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.